Happy New Year!

I’m just an errand boy these days

I wake up in the morning

On an errand for my bladder

A couple errands for my cat

An errand for my caffeine deprived brain and mah belly

Another errand as I hear a stretching coo from a girl in the bedroom

I don’t know who sends me these errands

And I’m not always thankful at first…

But the errand boy comes around.

Sure he used to make a big deal and a fuss

Always wanting more

But errand boys always do that when they’re new

Most of em refuse to even be referred to as errand boys

Some will get downright mad… even violent.

It’s a shame

Hopefully someday they’ll come to know the peace

The pure mindless fucking joy

That comes with being a simple

Errand boy.

a chorus with no audience ie. "FUCK YEAH!!!

I was at the liquor store

Filling my cart for a surprise party

After fussing with 10 year bottles of this and that for a couple of lifetimes

I went to cash out

But there was no one

No one but an open door

I looked out the door

And there was an old man wandering off in the distance

He wore a flowing kimono and jingly jangly bells

“HEY ED!’ I yelled, ‘wha the who the fuck is minding the store!”

He turned and waved and then turned back to wanderin over some hill.

Hmmmm… well free booze I guess – but when I turned around to go back in

There was nothing but rolling black space and a lot of stars

“surprise!” said the cosmos, said the voice in my head.

and Just one more thing...

I feel for the religious folks…

perhaps God is larger than you know?

and I feel for the atheist

maybe life is more than you could possibly imagine?

I fall in between all these things

Dripping or pouring.

And I enjoy finding myself in the anger and strife

In the impossible predicament

That comes around, just so

Just so poignant that I could never...

Until I aint

Until it is

Free and wildly wanderin’ about

I am the religious folk

I am the atheist

I wildly vacillate like the weather and wind

I contently want more and I can do nothing

but laugh at the loss

marvel at the gift

The loss and the gain

Mystery in its nuance

unknowing

Like a heckler at a funeral

a dog licking a mortal wound

Like an ice cold beer that tastes like your first

Anything

Its yer first and last everything

This moment

This coffee table zen BS

The rusty old life

Alive and crakling

Damp and forlorn

Yeah rip me off a piece of that

Bring it up here so’s I can chew it

chew on it and remember

So I can chew it and know.

Its pouring

Outside and in

the sound of water devouring itself...

It can get ridiculous

before you break even.

You can swing wildly from side to side

before the pendulum comes to rest

as any gambler can attest

and I don’t know about you but

I’ve met content beggars and restless Kings

And it isn’t that the pendulum stops

Sheoot! Nothing ever stops.

It just breaks down…

Free and easy

And Incredible loose

Wildly loose

Even so, that you begin to wonder

You begin to curiously question

Just wha the who the fuuck

Is runnin the gawdam show.

How it is

I knew a man who used to place ant traps out in his kitchen. A few years later he lined the tiles with honey… it was a different kitchen. He would watch with a peculiar joy the coming and going of the ants – then some odd years after that he put the ant traps back out again.

“Life is a boundless mystery.” said a lizard, thoughtfully smoking a pipe.

I smiled and nodded - then laughed and pounded my knee – then broke into deep uncontrollable sobbing – after I cycled through these various reactions for several minutes – the lizard suggested that I go and wash my face in the bathroom and to look at myself in the mirror.

If he hadn’t of done that I prolly would have gotten all excited and lined my kitchen tile with honey again…

Momma wouldn’t have liked that!

The leading authority on mysticism

I look upon this picture and I try to put myself into Spock's perspective - to try an imagine what he is thinking - other than that how he's a metaphor for logic surrendering itself in an act of love and how so very groovy that feels.

In researching Spock on the worldwideweb I stumbled across what his last words were before his death.

and I thought you to might like to read them.

"Sure I tried to figure it all out. And by it I mean God, Life, Sex, Love, Death – you know… IT.

So yeah, I tried to figure it all out.

I think some of us are WIRED to try and figure it all out. And further even some are even wired TO figure it all out. What anyone who has figured it all is really doing... I’m not too sure. But they are REally damn confident about it.

Who wouldn't be?!!

I mean Hey! I wanna be confident too… cuz that’s how you get all the chicks, right Jim?

No seriously, does anyone know how to sublimate onesself into the always merging feminine? Cuz gawd dam! I could really go for summa that right now man!

Anywhoo…

...what the hell wuz I talking about again ?

Oh yeah, God. So why is it again that some people are still trying to convince other people on what god is? I mean aren’t their better things to do when yer high? Like fuck and eat ice cream? I mean geez... take it easy sugar

you don't think god doesn't get obliterated and hit the taco bell drive thru at 3 in the morning?"

Take and eat...

I'm of the strong opinion that if for communion we instead got to sit in God's lap and eat of his luxurious cotton candy beard...
The world would be like 15 times cooler.

Gems from Gerald Ford's personal diary

“ I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a human heart, the muffler salesman slurred, but its no bigger than them there $5 dollar margaritas they sell at Applebees.”

Later on I mused that perhaps my heart, is in fact nothing but a $5 margarita.

Lime, on the rocks, with salt on the rim.

Does the pope shit in the woods?!!

If yer lucky and ya keep showing up - sooner or later the pope will wander outta the back door of the Vatican – on thru the parking lot – past all the tail gaiters and retards, a barbequeing & a see-sawing – he'll wander off into the fields and into the woods... lost and content... and all will be peaceful.

that is until the bears get a wiff of him

And then the real communion will begin.

$200,000,000.00 buys a lotta pop-tarts!!! =)

When I was an early teen I had all these sexual urges that I knew nothing about how to release or to satisfy. There was a lady who rented a room across the hall from my bedroom and I prayed to God most nights that perhaps he could arrange it so she would come into my room and show me.

Of course I realized after awhile that God didn’t care for such hanky-panky or women in general, so it would seem… so I began in earnest to pray to the devil for his deliverance and guidance.

To my surprise the devil did show up, but much to my chagrin he just went over and fucked the hell outta the neighbor lady. He never even let me watch! Then smiling in the morning as he tiptoed on his little fucking hooves up the stairs, he hummed bawdily as he took the last of the strawberry pop-tarts. It was there and then that I rededicated my life to Christ and began the 700 club ministries.

Now Glory Halleluiah to God! I have Strawberry pop-tarts every morning for breakfast!!!

Praise be to Jesus!!!!!

The Secret

There was a grand old turtle who knew everything. It was said that his knowledge was limitless…

Of course I wanted to go and see him. In a world full of know it alls, I could always use more 'it' to know all about. So I wandered and searched. I asked here and there. Read some books about all of it along the way. After a while I became a bit of an expert and was even asked to speak at several forums… I contributed some magazine articles and of course there was talk of a book.

Life was going pretty good. I was on a business trip/vacation when one night after a big meal out with some friends, at some steamy jazz club on the beach, I had wandered out to get some fresh air and silence. God Damn! Them jazz clubs are loud!

It was nighttime and the starry sky was crisp and startling – the breeze felt good as did the sand in my toes – the crash of the waves… ahhhhhhh!!! I searched my suit coat pockets for a cigarette.

I saw a large shadow several yards in front of me – I stopped as the shadow seemed to be making noises and heaving – was it a couple having a late night frolic? Was it the bum I saw earlier? I approached cautious and slow.

It was a giant sea turtle! A closer look and it was laying eggs and burying them on the beach. Holy Shit! I had forgotten all about the turtle. It was massive larger than the span of my arms and its dark shell seemed to almost be glowing in some strange moving patterns – perhaps it was the wine. The massive old turtle turned its head. It was looking right at me. Looking into me it felt. I sank to my knees. I was unable to speak. I wanted to say something. I wanted to ask. But I was just so overwhelmed.

My heart pounding and awestruck.

The turtle then finished burying it eggs and began to drag its ancient mass back into the sea. “Wait!” I protested. “don’t go.. I need to know! I… something… I!!” But the massive old turtle just splashed into the surf all the same and disappeared into the depths saying nothing.

On the way to my car later that evening/early morning, a bum stopped me for a light and then a cigarette “Ya know, chuckled the bum, I coulda swore I heard the turtle whisper ‘dumbass’ as she sunk under the waves!” I smiled and then laughed, laughed pretty hard.

“What was that all about?” asked my girlfriend as we got in the car. “I haven’t a clue.” I said, still smiling, handing her a cigarette.

Free Pony Rides!!!

I had a dream that I was a pony... but I was a ponythat I can't quite describe.

I was a pony of shared experience, perhaps is the best way to put it. I was a pony who seemed to let all the other things about me, experience my existence. Rocks would spend half of the morning chuckling as they trotted about to and fro – bucking and jumping. I assure you that rocks are quite happy to enjoy such things, that while they may be normal and even boring for a pony, are indeed quite a treat for a flat smooth blue stone.

One time while in a café, the pony is said to have drank 14 cappuccinos and have 14 slices of carrot cake – it should be noted that 13 bunnies and a wise old toad lived together just down the lane and were heard making loud scrumptious smacking noises most of the very same morning.

It was all so funny and curious that after a while I myself began to wonder when I was the pony… was the sly old snoring cat, me? and where was the pony? Was he giving mass to a transfixed audience in the Vatican? Was he fighting a war? Tossing pizza dough to the delight of a bunch of small children… who we all know were really mischievous squirrels playing hooky from school?

Overseas Working

Hey I'm gonna be in Venice for 5 weeks hopefully they'll have internet, but its Italy and they like to change the rules a lot.

Love in the butcher shop

God has sentenced us all to death – sentenced us to a lot of things actually.

I went to have a word with him once about all of it, but I didn’t find anything but a buncha weirdos and some paparazzi.

bumming a cigarette from a young photographer
I asked, “So have you ever seen him?”

“Oh sure, whispers the wide eyed kid, but you have to know where to look. You have to be sensitive. He can wear many disguises…”

“Does he ever dress up as a pony?” I smirked.

“Not that I’ve seen, but I think I’ve heard mention something about it once…” he trailed off, as did I.

I wondered off for a cup of hot black coffee, smiling about the idea of God and the Devil in a 2 man pony suit – clopping around, seemingly half lost on some arcaic battlefield, full of fragile fragile men.

Poor kid – first no santa – then no true love and now? Well, perhaps the idea of no God would just be to much for him to bear. So the mystical crystal dream of a shapeshifting deity will have to entertain. Until the sentence comes around.

I was kinda lucky in that all of my china was smashed up when I was young. And now, I don’t have to worry much about it. Now I only have to deal with other people giving me theirs. Filling up my empty old shelf.

Of course the door opens from time to time… as doors do. And God and the Devil put on the big bull suit... time for another heartbreaking silly waltz round the china shop.
Close calls and near falls – gasped hot delicate breath.
and sometimes all is lost – sometimes its just nicks and chips.

but the shopkeeper girl always refills the shelves – for barter or destruction.

Glass kittens – crystal buddhas – a little porcelain girl, that I’m so very found of.

.... Mad ramblin's of the truck stop drifter

Hot Karl ate the candy that I had hidden in the icebox. I had no proof, but yet somehow I knew this truth in my very bones. This fact was an inseparable part of my existence. I did not want it to be thusly, but yet there it was… like a panic attack in a traffic jam, there was no way out of or around it.

I would have to confront him or suffer the continual loss of the only thing that I held dear and true in this mad mad world gone wrong.

Every night I awoke in a cold sweat. Out of lucid dreams were I was forced to watch as Hot Karl nibbled his way more and more into my life. He ate my hidden candy. Bought his way into the most intimate ways and imaginations of my very being… with Reese’s Pieces and Milk Duds.

That Fucking Son of a Bitch!!!!!

He would not rest or stop until he had devoured my whole existence. That mad ravenous loon! Oh if I could only stop him!! If only I had my old voice back. Perhaps he would listen to my #1 rap hits and take a brief respite, but he would not, nor would he ever let up. He ripped me open and I fell outta my wrapper, naked into his calloused hands from the word go. From my very birth and until my impending death I was being hunted.

This all went on maddeningly so until one day while sampling different varieties of jam, I realized that it had been completed. Hot Karl had eaten me all.

It was done.

He had finally devoured every last bit.

I sat quiet and looking – waiting for quite some time. But nothing happened. All had ceased.

That which was Hot Karl and that what was me had merged or perhaps you could say that in the devouring, that we were in fact the same, was revealed unto me.

Everything has been quite peaceful ever since. And now I wander about watching others run about and amuck. Running from Hot Karl. Running from the devourer.

I sit and laugh and sure some think its rude… but they’ll see. I have a knife and a fork in my pocket… I’ll show them... I will run them down and corner them.

I will eat their very fear. Showing them how good it is… there is nothing to be afraid of… We will have a communion and it will be revealed onto them as well, that we are indeed all one flesh!

Deez Nuts

Drinking a cup of golden glitter with Socrates – I find myself wondering about it all – how we all come and go – like some strange cosmic chorus line.

Socrates drank every last drop without a moments hesitation – perhaps his greatest teaching. Christ too had a cup to drink but he wasn’t exactly thrilled.

Ahh hell, we all have a special bottle tucked away, mixed in with the rest of the stock at the bar. And this life is a bit of a drinking game. You must drink. So why not heartily? No one knows, though we all suck up to the bartender, but even he has never met the owner… for all we know there might not even be one.

I have a shot glass filled with a small plane ride into the Bahamas. Me and a few co-workers line em up. I aint thrilled. Its always a stiff drink. I don’t like planes. The caveman in me can’t come to grips with it… but the little kid in me loves the frosted side.

Well here goes.

Whiskey straight up - A little life and death on the side for splashing.

Eatin Communion with Old Bill

I ran into Thor at the cop shop, he wasn’t in the mood for talk. So I went and go have coffee alone.

It was nice and hot and quiet, having coffee alone. I should go more often I thought. That I don’t go more often is a big shame and I should be punished. But alas, I wait in back yard with stick for hours and there is no punishment.

Oh life… no one ever come!

And I am sad suddenly. It all feels so goddamn sad – perhaps it is the autumn dusk. Whatever it is, it makes me feel very alone… and sad.

Life is strange… earlier I was happy at being alone and now I’m not, I’m sad. Sometimes I get all weird and worried that the sadness will swallow me up whole and last forever, that’s funny because I sure do wish that the happiness would swallow me and last forever. Just eat me up and toss me into its huge happy cookie eating mouth and crush me into some wild laughing bliss. It never does… no matter how much I beg and pray and no matter how good I am.

But one thing is for certain. Life would seem to have me in its old jaws and it just kinda tests and prods me with its rock like teeth and curious tongue. I can't really say if its good head or bad head, but more kinda like a distracted head – like its just sucking away at me slowly while it reads the train schedule or tries to remember just what it was that it wanted from the store.

Some may find all of this rather melon collie, but I find it strangley quite exuberant. I have no clue as to what will happen next. Will life crush me with its teeth or spit me out on the street. Will it make out on the dance floor like a couple of faux lesbians, or choke on the minty freshness.

The real unknowing in all of this makes me feel a little giddy and so fucking alive.

Serious Clowns

There can be a simple wonderful devastation in sitting around and watching old people.

Some look just like little kids whose grown up costume has broken.
They seem a bit worried at first that someone may notice.
Defensive and perhaps a bit scared
Others of course… are no longer that concerned.
And its fucking gourgeous!
openly childlike… their costume is mostly eroded.
Only the colors of dissolved streamers and tangles of tinsel clinging here and there.
Crazy wigs with bits of confetti
They almost look like full blown clowns!
Wild makeup and funny hats!
wonder and amazement
at the coming and going
walking - almost a kinda labored waltzing
to some strange music
could almost look like fun.

Dragging around a decaying body
Those you have loved and known
dead or dying of various ailments
Being completely useless
perhaps being a burden

Life is funny
You shit your pants in the beginning
You shit your pants in the end
And in between?

All of this shit can become very very serious.

My prayer for you dear friend is that you don't get to concerned on sorting out the shit from fertilizer...
cuz that would be true madness

Ramblin' Election Day Blues

"The house is haunted!" yelled an old drunk, pointing at his head, pointing at the sky.
But we all just kept scurrying on by, off to work.
"He's right ya know." I half whisper to a little girl, whose riding a pony on the elavator.
She just smiled, humming her song and offered me a swig of root beer. "Well this is my floor!" she smiled. Handing me the bottle. The doors opened and she and the pony galloped out into a roaring hail of gunfire.
I turned away and the doors closed behind her. Quiet except for the sound of Kenny G sucking for eternity
I wonder if I should buy a new pair of shoes... I thought aloud, sipping the warm sweet sassparilla.
On the next floor a kitten got on and sat opposite of me and stared directly a foot or 2 above my head. "Well hello little kitten!" I chuckled - her little gaze was unbroken.
We reached the next floor and she padded out into a smartly furnished reception area.
The doors closed and I mumbled to Kenny G, "Wonder how she pushes the buttons..."
"Maybe she doesn't." said Kenny G.

Overheard at The Sizzler

"So if your business takes off an you have a mid-life crisis and maybe you wanna try an kill yourself?... I'm just saying I know a guy."


Later that same day i was going home when I heard a cover of the song "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley - the song was exactly the same only a touch faster and being sung by some new wave punk band boy. I of course would have changed the station but I was bound and gagged in the trunk... perhaps a story for another time...

Anywho the song pointlessly drags on until they get to the lyric "Out on the road today I saw a Dead Head sticker on a Cadillac"
Well our smart-n-sassy vocalist has replaced Dead Head with Black Flag. I have to admit I was a bit suprised.
I spent the next several days contemplating what former Black Flag frontman Henry Rollins possible reactions might be. I imagine they were something akin to the stages of grief, only perhaps a bit more bittersweet.
Somewhere inside though I imagine he had to be a bit flattered and maybe he even blushed a little smile, later on while catching his own glance in a bathroom mirror at IHOP
I imagine then he practiced scary faces in the same mirror until he was interupted by the assistant manager.