Saturday, March 17, 2007

$200,000,000.00 buys a lotta pop-tarts!!! =)


When I was an early teen I had all these sexual urges that I knew nothing about how to release or to satisfy. There was a lady who rented a room across the hall from my bedroom and I prayed to God most nights that perhaps he could arrange it so she would come into my room and show me.

Of course I realized after awhile that God didn’t care for such hanky-panky or women in general, so it would seem… so I began in earnest to pray to the devil for his deliverance and guidance.

To my surprise the devil did show up, but much to my chagrin he just went over and fucked the hell outta the neighbor lady. He never even let me watch! Then smiling in the morning as he tiptoed on his little fucking hooves up the stairs, he hummed bawdily as he took the last of the strawberry pop-tarts. It was there and then that I rededicated my life to Christ and began the 700 club ministries.

Now Glory Halleluiah to God! I have Strawberry pop-tarts every morning for breakfast!!!

Praise be to Jesus!!!!!

Friday, March 02, 2007

The Secret


There was a grand old turtle who knew everything. It was said that his knowledge was limitless…

Of course I wanted to go and see him. In a world full of know it alls, I could always use more 'it' to know all about. So I wandered and searched. I asked here and there. Read some books about all of it along the way. After a while I became a bit of an expert and was even asked to speak at several forums… I contributed some magazine articles and of course there was talk of a book.

Life was going pretty good. I was on a business trip/vacation when one night after a big meal out with some friends, at some steamy jazz club on the beach, I had wandered out to get some fresh air and silence. God Damn! Them jazz clubs are loud!

It was nighttime and the starry sky was crisp and startling – the breeze felt good as did the sand in my toes – the crash of the waves… ahhhhhhh!!! I searched my suit coat pockets for a cigarette.

I saw a large shadow several yards in front of me – I stopped as the shadow seemed to be making noises and heaving – was it a couple having a late night frolic? Was it the bum I saw earlier? I approached cautious and slow.

It was a giant sea turtle! A closer look and it was laying eggs and burying them on the beach. Holy Shit! I had forgotten all about the turtle. It was massive larger than the span of my arms and its dark shell seemed to almost be glowing in some strange moving patterns – perhaps it was the wine. The massive old turtle turned its head. It was looking right at me. Looking into me it felt. I sank to my knees. I was unable to speak. I wanted to say something. I wanted to ask. But I was just so overwhelmed.

My heart pounding and awestruck.

The turtle then finished burying it eggs and began to drag its ancient mass back into the sea. “Wait!” I protested. “don’t go.. I need to know! I… something… I!!” But the massive old turtle just splashed into the surf all the same and disappeared into the depths saying nothing.

On the way to my car later that evening/early morning, a bum stopped me for a light and then a cigarette “Ya know, chuckled the bum, I coulda swore I heard the turtle whisper ‘dumbass’ as she sunk under the waves!” I smiled and then laughed, laughed pretty hard.

“What was that all about?” asked my girlfriend as we got in the car. “I haven’t a clue.” I said, still smiling, handing her a cigarette.

Weekly youtube GEM!

Sluggo + Alan Watts + old hawaiian music = Joy!